It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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