Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
