I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
no you cant smoke seaweed
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
