I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
