It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I met the friendliest cop last night
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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