shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
