A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize