Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
That's intense
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
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