Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
