He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
