The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
