just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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