I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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