I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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