The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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