Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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