why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
