I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
