Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
