so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
