There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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