If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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