dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
