is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
