break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
