UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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