Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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