i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I think people are normalizing furries
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
