He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
