Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
