how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
