before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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