he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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