Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize