Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
