I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
