I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
