Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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