My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
The ass gains better be worth it
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