So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He better not be in your backpack
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
