pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
