I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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