I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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