I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
love makes seman taste better
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
