Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
