new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
NoShamevember. You game?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Randomize
