If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
