I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
