I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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