The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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