The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
