I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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