there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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