I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
