I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
only if we run a train.
done.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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