From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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