she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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