The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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