My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Come see our sink grown plant.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
