We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
