I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
