After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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