I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
